awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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