The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
