u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
