Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
