Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
