Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
it's like heaven, but drunker
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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