i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I will die if light touches me.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
