she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
