so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
