Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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