You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
