i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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