The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
