I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
