The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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