So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
