A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
