so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
