can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
