I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
