I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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