my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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