Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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