my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
