Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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