She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
