You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
