I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
