she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
