I need to stop coming to work sober
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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