He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
