He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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