btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
