I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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