It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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