were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
