When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
