im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
