seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
