I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
