I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
