4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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