How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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