Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
