My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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