oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize