He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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