I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
