I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
