If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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