they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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