only you would photoshop your dick
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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