don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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