remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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