I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
