I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
