i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
