At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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