TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
they're like a gay fantastic four
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I don't deserve a penis
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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