Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
