she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
