Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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