My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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