Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
